I am enjoying my first man-less weekend in 6 months (The October trip to California didn't count because I wasn't at home!) and I must say the thing I've noticed most so far is the lack of another person in the house brings about much silence. In that silence, I can hear myself think. My focus is shifted from what can we do together, what are we talking about, what are we feeling, etc. to what am I doing, thinking, feeling, in this moment. I didn't know I was without that, truly. Good to know. I am someone who blends and adapts myself so much to another, not to lose myself as much as to make sure the other is taken care of. It is nice to recognize the difference is there, neither in a good nor bad way. It simply is.
In this silence a thought that has been lingering now comes forward like a scream. I am experiencing something unusual these days that I can only describe as:
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
I am tired. Of consuming food. And...I'm tired of thinking about what to eat. Tired of thinking about what not to eat. Tired of preparing food. Tired of cleaning up after food. Tired of reading about food. Tired of watching TV shows about food or other people's issues with food. Tired of hearing about food waste in this country and the lack of enough food existing entirely in other countries.
I have begun to have a physical reaction to food. I do not want to prepare it. I do not want to put it in my mouth. I just feel like it doesn't have an appeal, a taste of anything I want. Am I turning into a total malcontent? My God, is this how anorexia begins? I don't mean to joke about a serious problem many people have, but coming from someone who used to EAT her emotions, I would say the idea of not wanting to consume food at all is rather the opposite end of extreme. While I wish this brought about some feeling of happiness, I really only feel exhausted. Because, we must eat to live.
I know ALL about the reasons the body needs food. I think I've just been subconsciously waiting for that moment in the Jetsons cartoon when they press a button and take a pill that tastes like steak and ta-da, they're done with their meal. No thinking, no mess, no time-consuming process.
What? Life is not a cartoon? Oh now you tell me!
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3 love kisses:
I completely agree. I am SO SICK of thinking about food and points and calories and fat, etc. I'm tired of trying to always have to decide what is healthy, what is not. Trying to decide what's for dinner, what to buy at the store. Etc.
That pill would be nice. It would free up so much time in our day, no?
i have been so confused about where the hell your blog went <3 and i'm glad i found this one. :) i have missed you! very much
I have to say I totally understand. I think I've written a similar rant several times myself. I envy people who can eat and not have to think about their thighs, their stomach, or adverse effects of eating the wrong thing.
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