Fourth Decade: Sucking the marrow out of life since 1969.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The GateKeeper

I still smirk internally when the hypnotherapist calls me The GateKeeper.

I had my 4th hypnotherapy session today. We're spacing them out to two weeks...frankly because it is so damn expensive. But the two weeks also gives me time to see if my mindset is changing at all.

Trying to change my thoughts about food and exercise and the underlying fears attached to them feels a little bit like fine-tuning a radio station to come in clearly during bad weather. The clouds are definitely there, thick and ominous. But I can hear the tune faintly. The drumbeat. A twang of guitar now and again.

(In) Control

My four Cs. These words started out as how the hypnotherapist and I agreed I wanted to feel, and would hopefully begin to feel, about food. I have to admit I thought I would notice an instant difference. And I had to pick myself up off the floor when I didn't.

But what I have started to notice is a subtle trend in the rest of my life. The Cs are starting to accompany me everywhere. Especially at work, as my interactions with obnoxious coworkers turn into me standing up for what's right and fighting what's wrong. I noticed it also with my family and friends, and definitely at home with Ricos where I am less and less interested in controlling things I cannot control and slightly more interested in controlling what I can control: my thoughts, my feelings, and what I choose to put in my piehole. 

Although we've taken a couple strolls around the neighborhood, it is hard to pick up any steady pace. The roads are horribly uneven without sidewalks. The gym has been looming in the back of my mind. And today in the session, I discovered today's fear of returning to the regular workout is rooted in the fact that I don't want to hurt myself again. The knee pain I experienced last time I hurt myself on the treadmill was tremendous. And the frustration of not finding a knee support brace that fit my leg did a real number on my confidence.

So the takeaway from today was that I could take the 4Cs into the gym, and I could pace myself very slowly and not feel like I have to keep pace with anyone but myself.

And I think I will. I think I will.

After all, I am The GateKeeper.

(Ghostbusters, anyone?)

Previous Ramblings