Fourth Decade: Sucking the marrow out of life since 1969.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Last Night

It has been a bittersweet weekend, and yes, life is a bittersweet symphony.

I gave away a lot of clothes that don't fit me. And as a result I've been in need of pants, so I had to go buy new pants and bras one size up. That sucked badly.

I went out with my one NJ friend (I've referred to him in the past blog as Harry Pottypants) and a new girlfriend from the NJ Meetup group. We went to Sands casino in Pennsylvania because H. Pottypants wanted to try Emeril's Burger Joint. It was yummy! And Sands gave me $20 free slots and took it and I won $140 on Wheel of Fortune so I was thrilled that my new pants and bras were paid for in some strange redemption.

However, I came home to find the Rescue Girl Lo had slipped on the hardwood floor and fallen like a deer on ice (you know, all four legs spread out?) and there was clearly a struggle all around her telling me that she had tried very hard to get up but by the time I'd reached her, she'd given up long before. Her eyes were glazed over and she was shallow breathing and I spent most of the 3-5 AM hours Sunday working on her with a massage and just holding her to get her to come back to recognition and back to life.

I went through the entire gauntlet of emotions as I questioned myself about the 5 keys qualities of life for her. This morning she had zero qualities left. The ultimate question was of course, would she rally back or would she continue to fade.

Spoke with the Mr Formerly Known as LD Man early on, and he decided he was all set to go, and he would just head out one day early and be here tomorrow, in case Lo didn't recover. My sweet man, I am warmed by him.

After a lot of sleep and Reiki from my BFF, the Princess of Sweden (or Sweden as we like to call her), Lo was able to get up and stay standing on her legs enough to go outside and pee and poo. But she fell again coming in and I had to carry her to the bed. She ate a full breakfast and has drunk a lot of water, and I do see light back in her eyes, but I'm not sure she's ever going to be stable on her legs again.

I've laid down as much traction as I can on the floors here, with tape and towels and pee pads all over the place. And I have been reading up on what I can do and I need to purchase some baby aspirin for her. But not too much, could make her stomach bleed.

I've reconciled the guilt I've felt over not being here Saturday night, because I'm going to have to leave her for a few hours today, at least to go in, get some work off my desk, and come back. She could have fallen at any time, and I can't be here 24/7.

I have to remember she is the equivalent of 98 years old and every moment is a gift.

So, the good news is that Mr Formerly Known as LD Man will be here by 8 PM tonight. And he assures me I won't have to deal with anything alone, he'll always be here for me. I take great comfort in that. In fact, I've never had that. I've had money thrown at me to handle problems, but I've never had emotional support and a sense that someone else in the relationship was going to be the strong one.

We keep saying if we can make it through this move together, we've laid the most solid foundation for a relationship anyone could imagine. Out of one of the most stressful life experiences, we will have become a united force.

These days, its hard to have a heart
It doesn't matter where you come from, or who you think you are
These days, it's hard just fitting in
Why does someone have to lose, for someone else to win
We're all looking for forgiveness, and someone we can trust
You can wrap your arms around the world
It all comes down to us

This is the last night, you'll have to be alone
I'll be standing right beside you, you can't make it on your own
So walk with me, please, help me to be strong
I'll be the shoulder you can lean on, when everybody's gone
This is the last night, you'll have to be alone

I know, you, heard it all before

There's nothing worst than living less
When you yearn for something more
Makes no sense, its hard to understand
When there's something that should fill you up
Keeps slipping through your hands

We're all looking for answers
We're all down here on our knees
All anybody really wants, is something to believe
Enough is enough, I can't take any more
But I'm standing on your front porch
Kicking down your door
This is the last night
This is the last night

- Bon Jovi

3 love kisses:

Donna C said...

OMG...poor Lo (and you). I'm glad you will have some support there with you. He's such a sweet guy. : )
Keep us posted on how she's doing.

Jersey Girl said...

I know what you're gong through, having recently gone through something similar with my boy, Bailey. You & Lo are in my thoughts & prayers. It's wonderful you have someone to lean on now. He sounds wonderful.

Grace said...

I read this post yesterday but couldn't make myself comment on it then. I thought if I just came back here today and commented without re-reading it, I would be okay...but I'm not.

I have tears in my eye about poor Lo. I know what you are going through, the guilt about having left her when something bad happened. But you have nothing to feel guilty have given her a good life and so much love and she knows that.

Our vet, the one who put down my previous dog Emma, told us..."our animal friends do not want us to feel guilty or sad; they only want us to be happy and to be a part of that happiness."

Lo would feel bad if she thought you were feeling guilty. And she will tell you when she is ready to go to heaven and be with your other angel girl Sena.

I am thinking about you, and I'm glad that Mr LD-no-longer is coming to be with you.

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