Fourth Decade: Sucking the marrow out of life since 1969.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Man Who Sticks

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." Norman Cousins

We have heard story after tale and philosophy after hypothesis of the man who feigns interest in having a relationship, only to bail on a woman after they have sex. This has sparked the "how long do you wait before..." questions for both men and women, and there is a lot of advice out there suggesting women wait a long time (90 days even) and that she should remember she controls the nookie factor.

I definitely agree with the last point: she's in control until she gives it away. I don't write advice, and I don't have any delusions that the paths I've taken in my relationships are in any way what someone else should do in theirs. Your Mileage May Vary was never a truer statement than when used as a litmus test in my dating experiences.

So what hypotheses are out there about the man who not only sticks around after having sex, but becomes more committed?

I think I've heard one hypothesis...that the man continues to be with the woman only for sex.

In theory I can see the validity of that, and I do think some men would definitely do that. Especially if the woman is conveniently located, and the man doesn't have a lot of other prospects.

But I know people who had sex early and went on to marry and are still married 20 years later. Are they really such an exception? Could it be that all that's needed is communication to keep a relationship on solid ground?

I don't know, truly, and I'm simply pondering. I'm secure in what I have found, yet people keep asking me why everything is happening so quickly if it is the real thing. It makes me laugh a little bit, and it frustrates me a bit too. I guess I'm the only realist/fatalist who is living in the moment because it could all end tomorrow?

So, OK, what about the man who lives far away, thus the woman isn't convenient, and he could probably find a woman to have sex with any weekend he wished? What is the reason that man decides to stay with the woman he had sex with early on?

Could it possibly be because the chemistry between them is amazing? Is that the exception to the rule? I've also heard such things as "early sexual chemistry fades" or "the relationship becomes solely about sex."

I've never experienced fading sexual chemistry (it is either there for me from the start or it isn't), but I have experienced a relationship deteriorating only to sex. In my case, it involved a man who lied to me (well, he lied to himself as well) about wanting to start a life together, so much so that he showed me blueprints of the house he'd build for us to live in and asked me to help pick out the type of skylights and wood color for my own office.

What I'm beating around my bush to say is that without sexual chemistry, I personally cannot have a relationship. That's just at the core of what I want. So I'll risk a relationship dwindling into "the only thing in common is sex" zone in order to obtain that which I know is harder to find: long-lasting intricate commonalities.

I don't have a vast readership to gain a wide range of opinion on this, but if you find yourself reading this, I'd love to read your comments. After all, people are commenting about my new relationship to me, so I would expect some people to have something to say here. But this isn't about me, it is about what works for each of us. There should be as many options as there are people on this topic.

In the end, the hell with what society tells you is right. At least at my age, I think. What works for you and the one who holds your interest is all that matters. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

5 love kisses:

Yvotchka said...

Great post & excellent question.

I find myself "back out there" after the end (by adultery) of a seven year marriage (hint: I wasn't the one who cheated and/or left)

Dating in 2010 seems very different than it was the last time I did it.

In my experience so far, men don't stick like they used to.

I have had sex early out of sheer pheromone-driven lust and they bolted.

I have waited three dates and then had sex. They bolted.

I then bumped it out to five dates. Bolted.

Then I held out for, as you said, the highly advocated 90 day mark. El Bolterino.

On the other hand, I have held out longer than a few of them were willing to wait and they too bolted. Pre-mature bolters shall we say.

So if you find out the answer, please by all means share it with me!

And in the mean time, enjoy what you've found and listen to your gut not your critics : )

Ricos said...

Well from a guys perspective I think that a waiting period for sex has a small benefit of weeding out some guys that are just in it for sex. However I don't think it will work for all.

As far as relationships go I think waiting or not waiting is pretty inconsequential to the outcome of the relationship. I personally don't form an opinion one way or another based on how quickly or not things get physical.

There just aren't any pat answers for this issue as far as I am concerned.

Carolina Girl said...

I think it just depends on the person or persons. What works for some doesn't work for others. What worked with D didn't work for R. Dating/sex life = it's all so complicated!

Maruska Morena said...

Men stick for lots of reasons, but usually its because they're certain the woman they've got is the best woman in the world... or at least the best woman they can get.. and they don't want to lose her.

Sometimes this is the best sex, but often its because this woman is much more than that. She fills a void in his life and makes him happy.

Its easy to dwindle things down to simplistic answers, but theres always much more to the story.

Grace said...

I have been in "relationships" where the man bolted soon after we had sex. There have also been times when I was the one who bolted immediately afterwards. Sometimes it was a mutual bolt. It never seemed to matter much whether we waited or were intimate much sooner. Just a lack of sexual chemistry is usually the reason.

If the chemistry is there, then usually the relationship will continue, at least for a while. Then if the sex is all there is, the relationship will often fade away.

As I'm sure you know, the trick is to find the right combo of sexual chemistry and friendship.

I had sex with my hub on the second date, and we've been together ever since. Never a thought about bolting. The sexual chemistry was amazing, and that sustained us until we transitioned to the friends part (while still having great sex).

It's definitely a balancing act. But I don't think you can have a relationship unless the good sexual chemistry is there to start.

Sometimes you just know in your heart when it's right. And it sounds like you may have found Mr. Right.

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