Fourth Decade: Sucking the marrow out of life since 1969.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Pack, Breathe, Laugh. Repeat.

I'm too tired to write coherently. You've been warned.

I had an entire post in my head for days, but sitting here now, I just can't write it out.

Many funny moments between me and (he needs a new nickname) this week. I'm talking side-splitting laughter moments. Really love how much we laugh together.

Anyone ready for Southern Style Rock Band?

GASP: Mid-westerner loves Neapolitan style pizza!

Right now, I'm in a state of limbo. Half-packed to leave and half-preoccupied with the new rental. I really have resisted the urge to just take off and disappear, and I have stuck it out and looked through old letters and memories and pitched what had to be discarded. I couldn't have done this alone. Physically and emotionally draining. Thank God for He Needs a New Nickname. He is so logical and organized. Everyone needs someone like him around!

As for the new rental...well....there's a lot to do. Paint for one thing (I love to paint, especially with dog and cat hair textured paint.) And something MUST be done about the front yard. Take a look:

As you can see, there's some landscaping opportunities. But I can't hire anyone, I have to do it myself. And I know nothing about this sort of stuff.

Mom says I should just plant grass, and the Princess of Sweden says that I should plant geraniums. In August, I don't know what I can find and plant.

Anyone else want to chime in with ideas? I'd like to hear!

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Last Night

It has been a bittersweet weekend, and yes, life is a bittersweet symphony.

I gave away a lot of clothes that don't fit me. And as a result I've been in need of pants, so I had to go buy new pants and bras one size up. That sucked badly.

I went out with my one NJ friend (I've referred to him in the past blog as Harry Pottypants) and a new girlfriend from the NJ Meetup group. We went to Sands casino in Pennsylvania because H. Pottypants wanted to try Emeril's Burger Joint. It was yummy! And Sands gave me $20 free slots and took it and I won $140 on Wheel of Fortune so I was thrilled that my new pants and bras were paid for in some strange redemption.

However, I came home to find the Rescue Girl Lo had slipped on the hardwood floor and fallen like a deer on ice (you know, all four legs spread out?) and there was clearly a struggle all around her telling me that she had tried very hard to get up but by the time I'd reached her, she'd given up long before. Her eyes were glazed over and she was shallow breathing and I spent most of the 3-5 AM hours Sunday working on her with a massage and just holding her to get her to come back to recognition and back to life.

I went through the entire gauntlet of emotions as I questioned myself about the 5 keys qualities of life for her. This morning she had zero qualities left. The ultimate question was of course, would she rally back or would she continue to fade.

Spoke with the Mr Formerly Known as LD Man early on, and he decided he was all set to go, and he would just head out one day early and be here tomorrow, in case Lo didn't recover. My sweet man, I am warmed by him.

After a lot of sleep and Reiki from my BFF, the Princess of Sweden (or Sweden as we like to call her), Lo was able to get up and stay standing on her legs enough to go outside and pee and poo. But she fell again coming in and I had to carry her to the bed. She ate a full breakfast and has drunk a lot of water, and I do see light back in her eyes, but I'm not sure she's ever going to be stable on her legs again.

I've laid down as much traction as I can on the floors here, with tape and towels and pee pads all over the place. And I have been reading up on what I can do and I need to purchase some baby aspirin for her. But not too much, could make her stomach bleed.

I've reconciled the guilt I've felt over not being here Saturday night, because I'm going to have to leave her for a few hours today, at least to go in, get some work off my desk, and come back. She could have fallen at any time, and I can't be here 24/7.

I have to remember she is the equivalent of 98 years old and every moment is a gift.

So, the good news is that Mr Formerly Known as LD Man will be here by 8 PM tonight. And he assures me I won't have to deal with anything alone, he'll always be here for me. I take great comfort in that. In fact, I've never had that. I've had money thrown at me to handle problems, but I've never had emotional support and a sense that someone else in the relationship was going to be the strong one.

We keep saying if we can make it through this move together, we've laid the most solid foundation for a relationship anyone could imagine. Out of one of the most stressful life experiences, we will have become a united force.

These days, its hard to have a heart
It doesn't matter where you come from, or who you think you are
These days, it's hard just fitting in
Why does someone have to lose, for someone else to win
We're all looking for forgiveness, and someone we can trust
You can wrap your arms around the world
It all comes down to us

This is the last night, you'll have to be alone
I'll be standing right beside you, you can't make it on your own
So walk with me, please, help me to be strong
I'll be the shoulder you can lean on, when everybody's gone
This is the last night, you'll have to be alone

I know, you, heard it all before

There's nothing worst than living less
When you yearn for something more
Makes no sense, its hard to understand
When there's something that should fill you up
Keeps slipping through your hands

We're all looking for answers
We're all down here on our knees
All anybody really wants, is something to believe
Enough is enough, I can't take any more
But I'm standing on your front porch
Kicking down your door
This is the last night
This is the last night

- Bon Jovi

Friday, July 16, 2010

Wild Honeysuckle

The path I walked today was winding and uneven,
Rocks for stumbling over and branches obscuring the way.
And all was draped in the fragrance of wild honeysuckle.

So sweet, I risked the bees.
I stopped to take a deeper, fuller breath.
I want to be -that- sweetness to you,
I want the scent of me wrapped around your tongue,
cloying intoxication that pulls you closer.

You tell me to be. Be myself.
That I am. And that I will be. Beautiful to you.

I am. Being. Myself.

I am myself, the one who spilled her fears to you.
The one who sometimes cannot bear your glance;
She might liquefy into a puddle of girl goo.

I am myself, the one who sits before you in all of her flaws.
The one who wants to love you so fully,
That she's afraid she'll be swallowed whole.

Loving me is not easy.
But neither is the path where the wild honeysuckle grows.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Moving News!

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." Norman Cousins

That quote bears repeating from my last post where I waxed philosophical about sex and relationships and everyone must be too busy with summer pool parties and having sex of their own gardening to comment.

I have incredible news. I am facing fear and living one of my dreams!

We're going to need a new nickname for the LD Man because he's not going to be LD anymore.

He's moving to Jersey!

Do I simply refer to him as The Man now? That sounds highly tacky and egotistical. I like it. Entertaining alternative suggestions of course!

I have to admit I'm under the influence of the Old Spice Man after his hilarious insta-video-twitter replies aired on Youtube yesterday. I seriously suggest you watch them in a new window/tab because you will be there awhile!

LD Man does wear Old Spice, well, Old Spice deodorant at least. I know this because I picked some up for him. Did you know there are one million types and scents? Crazy marketing.

We have too many choices in this country, and people wonder why they're raising spoiled brats who disrespect everything? Ack. I'm starting to sound conservative. Stop. That. Now.

Insert sexy liberal video here, preferably of an SNL-Justin-Timberlake-related skit. Ah....much better.

Wow, am I a tangent-running freak or what?

See, my head is not quite screwed on right these days. It is floating over the Hudson River.

You know, I'm packing. Best I can.

And working - starring as myself, and co-starring as my boss, with guest appearances as another manager while they're both away. Where's my Oscar?

And I'm fixated on LD Man's arrival. NEXT WEEK!

And I'm PMSing.
And I'm retaining cortisol from all the stress.
And I can't fit into ANY of my pants.

So I'm giving them all away and going pantsless.

Or... I will try to buy some this weekend.

Yeah, PMS girl stressed over moving goes shopping for pants. That ought to make the evening news.

But did I mention the most important thing? I am happily living a dream come true!

So I will quit bitching for the moment and smile but you need to smile with me!

OK, if you need smile therapy, a good twitfriend sent me this remedy. (I especially laughed when he got bit in the ass.) Alternatively, if you don't like puppies, there's always the double rainbow guy.

Whoa dude, I'm going to be cohabitating with my love. That's an emotional double rainbow right there.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Man Who Sticks

"People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." Norman Cousins

We have heard story after tale and philosophy after hypothesis of the man who feigns interest in having a relationship, only to bail on a woman after they have sex. This has sparked the "how long do you wait before..." questions for both men and women, and there is a lot of advice out there suggesting women wait a long time (90 days even) and that she should remember she controls the nookie factor.

I definitely agree with the last point: she's in control until she gives it away. I don't write advice, and I don't have any delusions that the paths I've taken in my relationships are in any way what someone else should do in theirs. Your Mileage May Vary was never a truer statement than when used as a litmus test in my dating experiences.

So what hypotheses are out there about the man who not only sticks around after having sex, but becomes more committed?

I think I've heard one hypothesis...that the man continues to be with the woman only for sex.

In theory I can see the validity of that, and I do think some men would definitely do that. Especially if the woman is conveniently located, and the man doesn't have a lot of other prospects.

But I know people who had sex early and went on to marry and are still married 20 years later. Are they really such an exception? Could it be that all that's needed is communication to keep a relationship on solid ground?

I don't know, truly, and I'm simply pondering. I'm secure in what I have found, yet people keep asking me why everything is happening so quickly if it is the real thing. It makes me laugh a little bit, and it frustrates me a bit too. I guess I'm the only realist/fatalist who is living in the moment because it could all end tomorrow?

So, OK, what about the man who lives far away, thus the woman isn't convenient, and he could probably find a woman to have sex with any weekend he wished? What is the reason that man decides to stay with the woman he had sex with early on?

Could it possibly be because the chemistry between them is amazing? Is that the exception to the rule? I've also heard such things as "early sexual chemistry fades" or "the relationship becomes solely about sex."

I've never experienced fading sexual chemistry (it is either there for me from the start or it isn't), but I have experienced a relationship deteriorating only to sex. In my case, it involved a man who lied to me (well, he lied to himself as well) about wanting to start a life together, so much so that he showed me blueprints of the house he'd build for us to live in and asked me to help pick out the type of skylights and wood color for my own office.

What I'm beating around my bush to say is that without sexual chemistry, I personally cannot have a relationship. That's just at the core of what I want. So I'll risk a relationship dwindling into "the only thing in common is sex" zone in order to obtain that which I know is harder to find: long-lasting intricate commonalities.

I don't have a vast readership to gain a wide range of opinion on this, but if you find yourself reading this, I'd love to read your comments. After all, people are commenting about my new relationship to me, so I would expect some people to have something to say here. But this isn't about me, it is about what works for each of us. There should be as many options as there are people on this topic.

In the end, the hell with what society tells you is right. At least at my age, I think. What works for you and the one who holds your interest is all that matters. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The First Visit

How did the LD Man's visit in Jersey go? Take a look...

The photos don't do the visit justice.

Our time together was perfect, even when it wasn't, if that makes any sense.

The minor mishaps (the bathroom floor falling apart under his feet, for example) turned into vehicles for better understanding of each other, how we handle stress together, and our unique ability to any situation into a laughing match. We have a combined thirst for knowledge that keeps us asking questions, quietly reflecting, and then discussing.

Here's why I am crazy about this guy: he says what he means and means what he says. He talks the talk and walks the walk. Yet he's not arrogant or aggressive in his behavior. He's a regular Joe with an extraordinary capacity to listen, feel, and verbalize his thoughts. He hasn't been emasculated by the feminist movement (thank God), yet he isn't a misogynist either. He is decisive and he knows what to do in just about any situation, yet he appreciates hearing another opinion and isn't afraid to agree to it. He has a wicked sense of humor and some incredibly deft moves in the bedroom. He's a nerdy-geeky guy who likes documentaries, history, and mythbusters but also knows baseball, how to play the guitar, and can cook. Does it get any better than that?!

Yes, I have found the last single 40-year-old man worthy of my affection and attention, or to be more accurate, he found me. I sure hope there are other single men like him out there for single women who are about to give up hope of ever finding someone who understands them and STILL wants to be with them.You'll just know it is right when you know each other's flaws and you still feel "he/she is perfect for me."

He'll be back in 20something days -- to help me move, if you can believe that. I didn't ask, he offered. And yes, we are already looking into ways to turn this LDR into something much closer and fulfilling. I like that idea very much. I suppose he'll need a new nickname then. 

It may be too quick for some people and it doesn't follow the rules of dating, but we've both been risk takers all our lives. And I have to add we're not kids anymore who don't know what we want. What we want is to enjoy each other's company!

I can't help but spout a favorite quote of mine from Harry, in the iconic rom-com When Harry Met Sally:

"When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with,
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Friday, July 2, 2010

Taking Stock

I have been completely self-absorbed which oddly enough, left little time to self-reflect.

The logistics and preparations to move consume me in such strange, messed up ways. I stop communicating with people. I stop writing. I start to traipsed down memory lane with each book and CD and DVD I pack as if I have all the time in the world to reminisce. I don't know why I do this.

I tried not to do this, instead just putting them in a box quickly. But I saw one that I really didn't want to own anymore and that was it, before the dogs could bark "hey what about dinner," I was sorting out every single item. I strongly feel that moving is NOT the time to take stock of what you've accumulated, yet that is exactly what I do. The added pressure is not a good thing.

The LD man arrives tonight. We are both excited 40-year-olds who are feeling 20 years younger. Let's hope we don't pull a collective muscle in our exuberance. There is a sense between us that this feels so right that we don't have big fears left, just nervous anticipation.

Of course, reality never matches what the mind conjures. However, psychology/philosophy is always telling people to "envision what it is you want and you will bring it to you." We've been envisioning for 2 months; time to put our cards on the table.

I've never had a man in my life who wanted to put me first. Even typing it, it feels like a selfish thought when taken out of context. Yet here is a man who wants to do (and is doing) exactly that. I'm not talking about putting me before himself, because that's a warning sign of co-dependency and we all need to take care of ourselves first. But I'm talking about being first before someone else or something else in their lives.

I've played 2nd fiddle to some workaholics. Admirable was their love for their jobs, but unfulfilled for me to be their secondary love interest. I've also been 3rd, 4th, and even 5th to other people in their lives. Again, understandable, expected, and admirable as parents and children must often come first, and who doesn't want someone who takes care of their elders/offspring, but I always felt left out and then guilty for wanting more for myself.

So, it really is a brand new feeling to hear and see a man who lists me as his #1 priority, AND I get to feel awesome about it. Right now, along with his long list of compatible traits (including but not limited to his very important ability to quote 80s movies and lyrics), I would say his interest in me is what sets him so far above any of the other suitors I've had in the recent past. And likewise, my curiosity for him is limitless. He reads like a book I never want to put down.

For those of you concerned about my safety, thank you. Trust me, I'm old school at this, and I have all precautions in place. And I'll be tweeting regularly. Feel free to follow the feed, but I won't be tweeting JUST to tweet. I hope to hell I'll be a little too preoccupied instead!

So, you'd like to know the weekend's timeline? Well, I'd guesstimate, 24 hours from now, we'll know if what we've been thinking we feel for two months is real. And 48 hours from now, we'll know if we can stand each other's company when the excitement wears off a bit. And 72 hours from now, there will either be a content new couple in the world or two frustrated people destined just to be friends.

My eyes are wide open. Time will tell, my friends. Time will tell.

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